What are the distinctions between being bossy and demanding, and being a parent leader?
Do you find yourself leading your child or controlling your child? Parents may not recognize the difference between the two.
Let’s look at what a controlling parent, known as authoritarian looks like, why it matters and how it affects parenting and your child’s behavior.
Authoritarian parenting is a more controlling parent. The “Because I said so!” parent is very common. Many of us were raised this way. You might even recognize some of these behaviors in yourself, especially when you’re stressed and overwhelmed. This is a strict parent that:
has high expectations
wants unquestioning obedience
is rigid and defers to punishment and threats
lacks communication and warmth
offers no negotiation
uses shaming, yelling and harsh consequences
does not take their child’s perspective or feelings into consideration.
How does this affect children?
It can affect their self esteem- research indicates a lack of parental warmth can lead to feelings of anxiety and depression in some children
Difficulty being independent- this happens when decisions are always made by the parent. When a child is always told what and how to do things, critical independent skills are not developed. When they haven’t practiced making decisions on their own, it’s hard for a child to know how to make good decisions when they need to.
Challenging behaviors in children are often an indicator of too strict parenting. This can contribute to power struggles, secrecy, lying, fear, and resistance.
Some children respond by withdrawing or becoming people-pleasers, while other children push back through defiance and power struggles.
Sometimes parents become bossy because they’re overwhelmed, anxious, feel rushed, pressured, cannot self-regulate or show self-control. This doesn’t make you a bad parent. It makes you human. Your self care is paramount in parenting. An overreactive, stressed out and frustrated parent cannot meet the heavy demands of parenting. Your ability to pause, take a few minutes for yourself, take deep breaths, soothe and calm your nervous system allows you to respond instead of react. These are components of parental leadership. Self care is not a luxury- it’s a necessity. It helps you show up as the parent you want to be.
A bossy parent focuses exclusively on getting their child to do exactly as they are told. They demand, “Do it now, not in 5 minutes, but now!” A parent leader guides, teaches and supports a child’s learning. A parent leader uses connection, trust, confidence, positivity, holds clear boundaries and above all, holds a positive belief in their child.
Parental Leadership Asks Us to Be Authoritative
You may wonder, what is the opposite parenting style of authoritarian parenting? Authoritative parenting is it’s own parenting style— combining high expectations with warmth, responsiveness, and appropriate boundaries. The parent that connects and puts in clear limits and boundaries and is warm and loving, yet firm. The authoritative parent is a parent leader that looks at their parenting from a different lens.
Authoritative parental leadership means:
Taking the lead while not overusing control and power
Providing structure and routine that is reliable and consistent
Having high expectations that are within reach
Instilling independence and responsibility
Holding boundaries and following through rather than using repeated warnings
Being loving, warm and connecting
Being dependable, sturdy, confident and calm
Offering reasonable choice rather than expected compliance
Listening to their child’s feelings and point of view
Being an authoritative parent leader means taking the lead without controlling every move your child makes. Parental leadership provides routine, structure and security while fostering independence, responsibility and accountability. Your child forgot their gym shoes? Accountability means they tell their gym teacher and remember to bring them the next time.
Parental leadership means understanding that you are responsible for making decisions that support your child's well-being, even when those decisions aren't what your child wants, and being okay with that.
Children deserve to feel heard, feel seen and respected. Your child may protest a limit and that’s okay. They’re allowed to feel disappointed without you correcting them, dismissing their feelings, or defending yourself. A leader shows strength while connecting.
What you can do to grow change:
Be clear with your expectations: “It’s time to put shoes on. We’re leaving in 5 minutes.”
Offer reasonable choice instead of demanding compliance: “Would you like to take a bath after soccer practice or after dinner?”
You can acknowledge their disappointment without changing your mind: “I know you want to watch longer, but TV time is finished for today.” Validating feelings doesn't mean agreeing with their behavior or giving in to demands. Your child can be unhappy with your decision and you can remain sturdy and confident.
Provide boundaries that provide structure letting children know what’s acceptable and what isn’t. Being consistent means following through with what you say and do. No need to lecture or threaten. This only diminishes your power instead of growing it.
Teach responsibility rather than nag or criticize. “What needs to happen today so you can find your soccer cleats tomorrow?” This teaches independence, responsibility and accountability.
Balanced parental leadership is a combination of warmth and parental authority. You can be loving without being permissive. You can be firm without being rigid and demanding. You can be respectful without giving up your power, leadership and authority. And let’s remember the importance of bringing in joy. Joy always brightens and supports parenting and family life.
Your child doesn't need to agree with every decision you make. They need to know that you are capable of making decisions, setting limits, and providing guidance even when things get uncomfortable.
