You Can Be A Gentle Parent And Still Say No
We all have feelings and memories about how we were parented and how we want to change and parent differently. This is a great awareness. We remember how we felt, and we don’t want our kids to feel the same way. What’s wrong with that? Nothing. However, our feelings and good intentions can get in the way and hold us back from being the parent our child needs; being the leader.
Your parent was a yeller and you don’t want to be the same. Your parent was authoritarian and bossy and you want to be more open and relaxed. Or, your parent was permissive with no boundaries and you weren’t modeled what boundaries look like. In any of these styles, you want to change what didn’t serve you.
Your intentions are loving:
You want your child to always feel loved
You want them to feel respected, heard and understood
You want your child to feel safe and always come to you.
You want their buy-in and ask for their approval.
These are all lovely, important and necessary in parenting. You want to break patterns that you feared and disliked. Instead, you give them choices, validate their feelings, explain your reasoning and stay calm. Fantastic!
However, your child still pleads for more screen time, wont get off their phone, wants more snacks, refuses to leave the house or playground, or demands yet another toy when you’re at the store. You used all the tools above and the behavior continues— the pleading, the whining, the tantruming and upset come in. Yours and theirs.
You begin to second guess yourself: “Am I being too strict?” “Am I sounding like my mom/dad?” “Should I just say yes and end this mess?”
Being a loving parent doesn’t mean we have to give in to all of our child’s wants and demands. Being a loving parent doesn’t mean we have to make them happy all the time, which is not possible.
You may feel guilty saying no or when seeing your child crying. You may feel uncomfortable disappointing them and want to make their sad feelings disappear. You may feel embarrassed and give in so as not to be judged and looked down upon by others.
Sometimes, in an attempt to not be controlling, parents forget the importance of setting limits and boundaries. Instead, they become overly gentle. They lack the skills that parents need: parental authority and leadership.
Children deserve and need to have some choice and personal agency, but not every decision you make needs your child’s approval. Your child can be upset with your decision, and you can still hold the boundary while still being a loving parent. You can be both: a parent that does what’s best in decision making and also in teaching what a boundary is, while remaining connected, loving, firm and joyful.
There are four ways you can be both kind and firm while also maintaining the family values you want to demonstrate:
Don’t reason every decision with your child. This can set up a debate when you really know the answer.
Allow your child to be disappointed. This does not make you unloving, uncaring or authoritarian. It makes you real. No one is happy all the time. Happy is not the goal. Being able to tolerate disappointment and deal with disappointments is.
Do as you say and follow through calmly and consistently. When we say one thing and are persuaded to do another, we lose our authority. If you say screens go off in 10 minutes, follow through and show your leadership, calmly and steadily.
Provide clear parental direction, especially around safety, health and wellness and family responsibilities.
Sometimes the answer should be no, which makes our child unhappy. Your child is allowed to feel unhappy, and you are allowed to let them be unhappy and you don’t have to join them.
How You Can Grow Change This Week:
Think about a recurring theme in your home, an area where you are always debating, negotiating, explaining and eventually caving in. There is a boundary that is often needed. “Food is for eating, not for throwing. When it gets thrown, it gets taken away.”
Connect with them. “I know you want to play longer. We leave in 5 minutes. I’ll give you a 2 minute warning and then it’s time to leave.”
Create a limit and a boundary. With a tween or teen, “I know you’re chatting with Anna. Phone goes off at 8:00 pm like we talked about.”
Do as you say and follow through. Your child can be disappointed and you don’t have to go down the rabbit hole with them. You’re in charge of what you say, how you act and how you feel.
You can be warm, firm and loving while not being too gentle and give in when it feels tough. You can grow your skills in saying no when no is the answer. You can hold a boundary. It’s important to acquire these parenting skills now so we can continue to parent with connection, strength, love, clear boundaries and consistency as our child gets older.
You can love your child deeply, respect and honor their feelings, while still being the parent who makes the final decision. After all, that’s what a parent leader needs to do.
