Gentle Parenting Doesn’t Work
Gentle Parenting became popular as an alternative to authoritarian parenting where parents are in control, use harsh punishment in trying to change behavior, and is dogmatic in how they view how a child should behave. In theory, gentle parenting puts a high emphasis on empathy and understanding, (which is great,) treats children with respect and understanding, (which is also great.) Yet there’s so much more that is needed.
Parents who subscribe to this parenting style experience great parental burnout. Gentle parents hold back from yelling (an excellent skill to have) leans in with empathy (also great,) yet fail to have skills that helps change unwanted behavior for more preferred behavior. They’re carrying a load of feelings without any real tangible skills and feel powerless when their child still doesn’t listen.
Pitfalls Of Gentle Parenting:
Lack of structure leaves children not knowing what to expect
Parent flip flops and is easily coerced by their child
Lack of boundaries, rules and follow through lead to permissiveness
Overfocus on child’s happiness rather than their behavior
A parents inability to say no leaves their child in charge, making them unable to tolerate not getting their way
Makes it harder for kids to follow rules and expectations
Avoids consequences, making learning less clear and creates a power struggle
Creates excessive negotiating. Somethings are non-negotiable. Sometimes the answer will always be no.
Neurodivergent children and children with ADHD really struggle with gentle parenting receiving too many choices, too much leeway and no guardrails.
What you can do:
Remember you are the parent and your child needs you to be the parent leader. This helps them feel safe, cared for and that you’ve got their back
Don’t eliminate your child’s frustration. Help them learn how to get through it and become resilient.
Catch yourself and pivot. Become a conscious parent, aware of your own actions and your ego in your parenting
Depending on the moment, pause and don’t respond right away. Wait and think for a bit before you give in or overly negotiate.
Put in clear boundaries and hold them. “I know you want more screen time. That’s it for today.”
Fully believe in yourself as parent and grow your confidence. You’re doing so much well already!
You can be connected with your child AND correct your child too. The two need to coexist. Consequences teach. To discipline means to teach. That’s our job.
Let’s remember that we are the pilot of the plane, and our child needs us to be that calm, sturdy leader who is warm, loving, holds boundaries and is not afraid of their child’s emotions.
