Is This Behavior Normal? A Guide in Hitting, Lying and Defiance
It can feel so confusing. One moment they’re your sweet child, and the next minute they’re defiant, resistant to listening, or ignore us. Whether your child is 2 or 12, it shows up in all ages.
There are common child behaviors that feel troubling and triggering. And yes, these behaviors are normal.
You may ask, is it normal childhood behavior for my two year old to scream NO! and throw things and bite me? Is it normal for my eight year old to be clingy? The short answer is yes. The long answer will explain why it’s normal and what you can do.
At different ages and different stages, developmental behaviors look differently. The arched back, tantrumming, stomping their feet and thrashing of a two year old is quite different from a door slamming, disrespectful 12 year old. Both exhibit behaviors that are less than welcome. Both are normal age related behaviors.
Toddlers have a tough time. With a vocabulary between 50-200 words, they often use behavior to communicate. Child hitting their parent is a common, albeit maddening behavior that is normal, and to be expected.
Between the ages of 4-7, you might hear lying, taking things that do not belong to them, blaming others, not accepting no for an answer, or lots of pushback and resistance. And it drives us crazy. Our kids fail to listen to what we tell them to do.
Between the ages of 8-12, you might see more lying, sneaking, backtalk, breaking rules, greater resistance or pushback, vying for control and dominance. As parents we feel disrespected, triggered and explosive. Behavioral issues in a 10 year old can make us feel so unprepared and at a loss. “I’m worried about my child’s behavior.”
Yes, all of these are normal and commonly seen in kids. In some children, these behaviors may show up more than others. You may ask, Why is parenting so hard? There’s a reason behind it all.
The normal things that are happening in your child’s development:
Their brains are changing and are rapidly developing
They are becoming more independent and are separating from you
They are figuring out what limits really mean and where our parental leadership is (or isn’t.)
They are discovering social and societal expectations
They are experimenting with their own sense of control and power
When your child knows the rules and still breaks them:
You know they heard the rule. It’s a rule you’ve had for a long time, and yet they break it.
Your four year old sneaks cookies or ten year old changes the settings on your phone
Your elementary age child is clingy and won’t let you leave
Your child lies that they finished their homework and you see that they havn’t started it
Your child is fresh and rude to you around their friends or around yours
How To Handle Challenging Behaviors:
Pause. Take a minute to get yourself calm and get grounded. Your ability to be calm is a necessary ingredient. Take deep breaths and calm your nervous system. Remain in control over yourself. Don’t take their bait.
Get curious instead of furious. What made it hard for them to follow your expectation? Are they hungry, bored, tired, or frustrated? From a place of curiosity, when the dust settles and all is calm again, you can ask: “When Jackie was talking to me, you kept telling me over and over you want to go to Maddy’s house now. I got angry and yelled, then you got angry and screamed. Why was it so hard to wait?” “You really want to go to Maddy’s. That doesn’t mean you can talk to me that way. Try again using a respectful tone and words. I’m listening.”
Stay consistent with your boundary. This is essential. An inconsistent boundary leaves a child floundering and a parent loses their authority and leadership. “You want me to stay, and I’m going out. I know it can be hard, and I know you can do it. I’m still going out with Lydia.”
Connect before you correct or redirect, and validate feelings. “You’re mad I said no more screen time. I get it. You want to keep playing. Screen time is still over for today. You can be mad and say ‘I’m so mad!,’ and you can’t hit me.” We are calm, clear, and firm.
Let them come up with solutions. “Instead of sneaking and taking my phone, what else can you do?”
Ask yourself, what’s behind this behavior? What does my child need from me? Is it more connection, my attunement, or better modeling/support?”
Resist punishing and shaming. These do not change a child’s behavior for the better. Instead, connect and redirect. “You don’t want juice, you want milk. Uh Uh, No throwing. Tell mama, I want milk.”
Underneath all these behaviors and more, is a child who needs boundaries, connection, teaching and a redo. Kids love and appreciate a second chance.
Your child is testing, growing, feeling big feelings, are learning and relearning all the time. Our leadership, compassion and connection are integral in growing change.
