The Power To Choose Builds Confidence and Cooperation

Having choice and making decisions gives our child a feeling of autonomy and control.

Have you ever told your child it’s time to put on their shoes—only to be met with a dramatic meltdown? Me too. This is a common parenting struggle. Why is it so hard, when they clearly know how to put their shoes on?

Power struggles like these are a daily part of parenting. But there’s a secret weapon that can reduce resistance, build confidence, and strengthen your parent-child bond: giving children choices.

At first glance, it might seem small—choosing between the red cup or the blue one, deciding which story to read at bedtime. But these moments are powerful. They allow children to feel respected, capable, and included. And in the world of positive, conscious parenting, that’s a win.

Why Choice Matters in Child Development

From as early as toddlerhood, kids crave a sense of control. It’s not about being defiant—it’s about child development. When children are given appropriate choices, they learn to make decisions, problem-solve, and take responsibility for their actions. These are foundational skills for growing into confident, independent adults.

Studies show that children who are offered age-appropriate choices feel more empowered and are less likely to engage in power struggles. Why? Because when kids have a say in what’s happening, they’re more likely to cooperate. When we strip them of all control, when we demand and insist, they’ll often find ways to engage in a power struggle —cue the tantrums, the refusal, the "You’re not the boss of me!" Once we’re in a power struggle, no one truly wins.

The Magic of Simple Choices

Let’s be clear: offering choices doesn’t mean letting your child run the show. It’s about setting clear boundaries while giving them room to decide within those limits. Think of it like this:

• Instead of “Put on your jacket now,” try “Do you want your blue hoodie or green fleece?

• “Who should cut your chicken, me or you?”

• Instead of “No candy, only fruit,” try, “Do you want your apple cut up or whole?”

• Instead of “Clean your room now!” try “Let’s do it together. Do you want to clean up the blocks or the puzzle? Great, you do the puzzle, I’ll clean up the blocks.” Same with older kids, just change the choices. “Dishes or laundry? Which will you do? I’ll do the other.” “Walk the dog or separate the recyclables. Which will you do? Great, you walk Scruff, I’ll separate the recyclables.”

Both options lead to the same outcome—but now your child feels like a collaborator, not a commandee. It’s a small shift that can make a big impact. Narrowing down the choices between two things gives a feeling of empowerment and control, and children need both of these in order to feel seen and heard.

Reduce Power Struggles With Choice

When parents consistently offer choices, our child begins to trust us that their voice matters. This builds a sense of cooperation, not compliance. And it can be a game-changer during tricky transitions—like leaving the park or getting ready for bed.

Need a quick strategy for tough moments? Instead of commanding, demanding or insisting, try this instead:

Connect, then offer choice:
First Use Empathy: “You’re having so much fun—it’s hard to leave.” Then, offer two options: “Do you want to skip or walk to the car?” “Do you want five or seven more minutes?” This keeps the boundary (it’s time to go) while offering autonomy within it.

Empowered Kids, Confident Parents

Giving children choices isn’t just about avoiding tantrums (though that’s a nice bonus!). It’s about nurturing trust, encouraging responsibility, and fostering long-term confidence. And here’s the real parenting win: when you teach your child how to make small decisions now, you’re preparing them for bigger decisions later in life. Children learn how to make good decisions by making decisions, even bad ones.

So the next time you feel a power struggle brewing, pause. Is there a way to offer a choice instead? Your child’s growing sense of agency—and your own peace of mind—will thank you. Children NEED to have autonomy, need to have choice, and to have personal agency.

Want more tips on positive parenting and building calm, connected routines? Let’s grow through it together at Growing Change Parent Coaching. Because parenting isn’t about perfection—it’s about progress.