Helping Our Child With Anxiety
Anxiety and feelings of anxiousness and worry are not uncommon feelings many children face. Conscious parenting reminds us to connect and teach our children the skills they are lacking in combating anxiety, stress and worry.
Anxiety is a future oriented response; a feeling of fear, dread and intense uneasiness presenting as nervousness, at times with ill like symptoms or physical symptoms like rapid heart rate, shaking, upset stomach, vomiting, panic and agitation. Anxiety can be mild and it can be excessive. Anxiety arises when there’s worry about the future.
What are signs of anxiety in children?
Whether your child is four or fourteen years old, many children struggle with feelings of anxiety and fear. Some children experience anxiety separating from their parent or caregiver when going to school, while others may experience big waves of anxiousness preventing them from participating in sports, school activities, mom leaving the room, or social anxiety, especially in tweens and teens. It can present as a full melt down, a belly ache, headache, inability to get out of the car and resistance known as fight, flight or freeze response.
We have great intentions in helping our child with their anxiety:
We love our children so much and hate to see them struggle with anxiety, and we try hard to talk them out of it. “You’re okay. This is no big deal. It’s only soccer practice.” We often tell them, “You shouldn’t feel this way.” And they do anyway.
While well intentioned, this rarely works. We can’t talk our anxious child out of worry, but we can help them talk themselves through it, to talk themselves out of feeling anxious, and support them with tools to use. In positive parenting, the goal is not to rid our child of anxiety, but to help them learn coping skills, gain resilience, and learn tools to help themselves through it.
Avoid the triggers: It seems like it makes complete sense- avoid that which causes our child’s anxiety. A no brainer, right? Not really. Avoiding triggers and avoiding the stressor doesn’t teach our child coping skills. Calm is NOT the opposite of anxious. Trust is. “I trust you can get through this and you can help yourself.”
Parents Can Help Their Anxious Child:
Our ability to remain calm and not match our child’s feelings is primary. Our child feels and senses our anxiousness, which only increases theirs. Take deep breaths and remind yourself that your child NEEDS YOU to be calm and self regulated. Your emotional regulation is your child’s most important tool.
Build in the power of the pause. Don’t rush to jump in and rescue. Pause. Don’t overdo, over parent, rescue, or overreact. Pause to ask your child, “What can you do when you’re worried you’ll miss me?”
Help name the feeling. Children need help labeling their feelings and separating themselves from how they feel. Feelings come and go and do not define us. “Your worried brain is talking to you. What’s it telling you?” Dr. Daniel Siegel teaches us to name it to tame it.
Let them identify where in their body they have feelings of anxiousness. “When your worry brain is talking, where in your body do you feel it?” This helps children target their feelings and separate it from their identity. “Scared is a feeling. It’s not who you are.”
Talk less, listen more. Use very few words, and listen deeply. Validate and affirm their feelings. Reflect back to them their words, their feelings. “You’re afraid you won’t see me again.” “You’re afraid you wont kick the ball or score a goal.” “You’re scared the dog will bite you.” “I get it. It doesn’t feel good to feel afraid.”
We help them be present and tell themselves, “Right now I am safe.”
Build the brain- “You can do hard things and I believe in you.”
“How can you act when you feel scared? What can you do and tell yourself when you feel scared? What can you remind yourself?”
Our goal is not to fix our child’s worries, fears and anxieties, but to remain calm, grounded and self regulated, and support them in coming up with solutions and using them. Positive self talk can go a long way. Your child needs your belief in them and your support in helping build resilience. Afterall, our thoughts don’t control us. We control your thoughts.
