When A Child Hits Their Parent
Our child’s anger, rage and acts of physical aggression towards their parent is a common behavior. By using positive parenting and holding clear , firm boundaries, we can teach our child how to effectively express themselves in non-aggressive ways and turn physical aggression into effective verbal communication.
Few very moments in our child’s behavior are as triggering and infuriating as when they hit us. Feelings of despair, disrespect, feeling like a failure, and feeling embarrassed or frustrated are common parental feelings. We question the normalcy or abnormalcy of these behaviors and wonder, “Why does my child hit me?” A child hitting their parent is not uncommon.
Between the ages of 2-8, children are often filled with great big emotions. Emotions that they cannot contain nor verbally express. And it has to come out. All feelings need a home. When children have difficulty expressing their feelings, it surfaces in behavior.
Children hit for different reasons:
They are overstimulated or overtired. This is very common in the little ones and bigger kids struggling with sensory issues or ADHD.
Toddlers and older kids also feel frustrated, overwhelmed or hurt, and have an exaggerated response
Words aren’t accessible when they need them
Kids hit their parent when they are connection seeking in inappropriate ways because they don’t yet know a more acceptable way
They feel overcontrolled, overparented and powerless, leading to feelings of anger and frustration
Are asserting their dominance and control
They have an undeveloped and immature prefrontal cortex which is responsible for decision making, impulse control, emotional regulation and working memory needed in executive functioning skills.
They do not have coping skills. Toddlers and preschoolers especially have little to no coping skills yet, and older children often have not been taught or modeled coping skills.
They have not been shown how you handle your anger in non-combative ways
What to do when your toddler or school age child hits you:
Our number one response needs to be to remain calm. A reactive, yelling parent only solidifies these behaviors. Your nervous system needs to be managed, for it sets the tone in your home. Breathe slowly and deeply, and take care of you first.
Your firm parental authority and leadership is needed here. A parent leader is sturdy and steady. It’s not easy, but it is necessary
Create and hold the firm boundary: “I won’t let you hit me. You can be angry, and you cannot hit me. I’ll walk away.”
Don’t be afraid of their big feelings. They really need your presence and your ability to co-regulate and calm down from your calm
Stay connected , understanding and strong. Your child NEEDS YOU.
Stay close but leave space for them if they need or want it
With toddlers and preschoolers, ask “How mad are you? Are you this mad or this mad?” This helps them go inward a little and identify their feelings and learn to talk about it
Second most important response is to create and hold a boundary. This means what behavior is not allowed, and what you will do.
You can be mad and hit a pillow, and you cannot hit me. If you keep hitting/kicking, I will hold your hands/legs to help you stop.
Look behind the behavior. What led up to it?
Is my child tired, overtired, hungry? Have I not been filling their cup and connecting one on one?
Has there been too much screen time?
Does my child need to get outside to play?
Have I been correcting them since they got home?
Is my child frustrated or overwhelmed and doesn’t know how to ask for help?
Repair is always possible:
Let time go by. A few hours even. Then we talk about it. Dr. Aliza Pressman tells us, “Teach later, not now.” Absolutely helpful. They cannot hear us when they are dysregulated. Wait for the storm to pass.
Connect, connect, connect and then correct and redirect.
Acknowledge and validate feelings, “You were so mad I said no more Youtube today.”
Refresh the boundary.”My job is to say that’s enough Youtube for today and help you stop. One hour is enough.”
Let them help problem solve. “What can you do instead of hitting or kicking?’
Praise them when they follow the boundary and manage their emotions and do not get angry, hit or hurt you in any way.
Praise them each time you catch them using their words or containing their emotions.
