Is Your Child A Praise Junkie? Building Confidence And Resilience Without Constant Praise
All children need and deserve praise. But not excessive praise. There is a balance here. Confidence and improved behavior grow when children face challenges and receive praise that is specific and meaningful, growing their self esteem and self worth.
As parents we want our children to feel confident. successful and to willing to take on challenges. We want them to believe in themselves and bounce back from failure or setbacks, to show resilience and to maintain their self esteem. I know… this is a lot.
We know the importance of praise. We know how good it feels when we hear we did a good job at work, or that we are congratulated for a job well done. Children need this same praise. Specific praise helps children know what they did well. It grows their self esteem and their self image. It helps build confidence. But too much praise can backfire creating what I call Praise Junkies.
What Is A Praise Junkie?
Children who become praise junkies typically look for constant approval and accolades. Instead of looking within and feeling proud of themselves, they look to their parents or coach , friends, teacher or significant others for constant approval, validation and praise. They are not content knowing they did a good job but need that external validation, extrinsic motivation in so many areas of their lives. They constantly ask if you like their picture, if their Lego building is the best, if they did a good job, if you’re proud, if it’s tall enough, good enough, special enough. Intrinsic motivation is the highest form of motivation. Kids who overly seek praise often are not intrinsically motivated but are seeking approval.
Praise junkies look for :
External validation, and lots of it
Resist trying unless someone is watching them
Give up easily if not coaxed and praised afterwards
Have a fear of making mistakes
Comparing themselves to others inflating their ego, or feeling less than
They may feel unsuccessful and inadequate if they are not fawned over
You may wonder, “Why is this a problem? All kids need and want praise.” It may become a problem when a child doesn’t receive the approval they are seeking and give up or their behavior escalates into a tantrum. It' may become a problem when it’s transactional- they’ll do it only when they receive accolades. They don’t have the resilience to persevere if there isn’t someone around to praise them. They are not intrinsically motivated.
Focus on process, not the finished product
Instead of frequent over the top praise: You’re the best on the team, This is the most beautiful picture anyone could make, Your’s is the best in the whole class, use what I call, measured praise. Be specific and comment on the process, not the product. Use just enough praise to let them know you’re proud.
Positively mommenting rather than complimenting… “The blue you chose for the sky looks so lifelike. How did you get that shade of blue?”
“You really put a lot of time into that math problem. Way to go.”
“It’s hard to build a tall tower without it falling down.”
We want to encourage that success comes from perseverance; sticking with it, from determination, problem solving, and lots of practice. Resilience grows when children focus on the process, not on the end product.
What you can do:
Positive parenting and conscious parenting offer praise that is measured, not in abundance. It also brings in problem solving, independence and reflection. Look within and ask yourself, “What am I doing that is contributing to my child constantly seeking approval and praise?” How is their self worth measured and valued in your eyes? Why do they need so much validation and praise?
Build confidence and emotional resilience by letting them face productive struggle and figure things out. Productive struggle gives just the right amount of support after watching first, and seeing how they are coping.
Show your belief in them to do hard things, encourage them to face challenges and have grit and resilience in persevering and in bouncing back
Give your child an opportunity to be self reflective:
What do you think you did well?
What part was hardest?
What would you do differently the next time?
Celebrate progress, not perfection
Point out the growth you notice. “A few weeks ago you were so frustrated trying to hit the ball. Now you’re keeping your eye on the ball and hitting it some of the time without getting frustrated. That’s great.”
In raising confident kids that do not seek approval or praise for everything they do, let them be independent and self led.
When they often ask, “Do you like my picture?’ Ask, what do you like about your picture? What’s your favorite part?
When we focus on effort, resilience, perseverance and growth, we are helping grow a child that feels confident, capable and successful without our constant validation and praise. Self esteem and self awareness are a child’s building blocks for emotional intelligence and a positive core identity.
