Back To School Success: Lecture Less, Connect More And Be Consistent
School is around the corner. For some, the return of school means back to homework reminders and struggles, rushing, lack of boundaries over screen time and the arguing. When children hear us repeat ourselves over and over, “Put your shoes on. Shut that screen now,” our words become background noise. Our repetition becomes something they no longer hear or listen to.
Parents often ask me, “Why doesn’t my child listen the first time?” “What’s the best way to get my child to listen?”
A lengthy lecture, “How many times do I have to tell you to get off your ipad. You’re always making us late. I’m constantly repeating msyelf over and over and you still don’t listen!” Constant talking can unintentionally teach children that they don't need to listen until the fifth or tenth reminder or until we yell and lose it. We think if we say it loud enough or enough times they’ll listen better. It doesn’t work. It’s what you say, how you say it and how often, that matters.
Believe it or not, when you repeat yourself over and over, you’re training them to not listen.
Talk Less, Parent Better
To help get children to listen better, here’s a powerful change you can make starting today: use fewer words. Positive, conscious parenting focuses on effective parent child communication, consistency, routines and expectations that are clear, and are the same from day to day. When we remain calm in our parenting, we are demonstrating what self control and self regulation look like.
"Shoes on. We leave in five minutes.”
Make eye contact. Calling up the stairs does not create connection. Direct eye to eye, being concise and clear does ” Connection isn't giving in—it's increasing the chances your child hears you the first time. “Dinner is in 10 minutes. Finish what you’re doing, come down to set the table and we can we can play a game after dinner.”
Say what you mean, mean what you say:
Conscious parenting has us look within at what we say and do. Idle threats diminishes our parental authority. When we use threats we don’t mean, we’re not taken seriously and it perpetuates our child ignoring us. Instead of, “ I told you ten times to clean up! You just lost Ipad time,” say what you mean and mean what you say. Put in a clear firm boundary without repeating yourself,” You can shut the Ipad yourself in 5 minutes when I remind you, or I can shut it for you and put it away. You choose. I won’t ask you again.”
“When the toys are put away, you can play a video game for 30 minutes.” No arguing, threats or punishments. Calmly follow through with what you say.
No child will listen every time. Yes, your child will still whine, plead and get upset. The goal is for them to cooperate more, for there to be clear expectations that they know already exist.
Clear directions and dependable routines eliminates confusion and reduces power struggles. Young children especially benefit from short, concrete statements they can easily understand. If you want your child to listen the first time, make your words easy to follow.“It’s time to go. Backpack on.”
Cooperation Is Built When You’re Consistent
When homework and bedtime change depending on everyone’s mood or if these are negotiable, we lose our parental leadership. When we’re consistently consistent, children know how to go with the flow-they know what the flow is. Mixed messages in parenting creates instability in our leadeship.
This means that it’s important to follow through and keep to the routine that serves your child best. Dinner and bedtime at a predictable time each day. An expectation about when and where homework is completed and what they can do after HW is finished. We put in reasonable expectations and your child learns to trust and follow the routine
Positive parenting includes praising your child when they listen and follow through the first time, offering praise for the things they do well and cooperate.
Draw positive attention to the positive moments and less negative attention to the challenging moments. When we focus on the good, the good gets better.
