Understanding Our Own Triggers In Parenting
When we match our child’s dysregulated behavior with the same dysregulation, we are reinforcing that behavior. We can learn to calm ourselves and model what self regulation looks like.
Have you ever snapped at your child over something small like spilled milk, a particular tone of voice, a delay in putting on shoes—and then wondered, “Why did that bother me so much?”
You're not alone. I am as guilty of this, like we all are. And we can remember: Parenting is a mirror. What it reflects back at us are unhealed parts of ourselves—our childhood wounds, unmet needs, and unexamined beliefs.
Identifying our triggers can help us keep our cool.
In conscious parenting, as taught by Dr. Shefali Tsabary, triggers aren’t just random irritations. They’re invitations. They’re opportunities to go inward and ask: What am I really reacting to? Why am I so triggered by this?
🔥 What Is a Trigger, Really?
A trigger is an emotional reaction that feels bigger than the situation at hand. You might feel intense anger, fear, shame, or helplessness—and the urge to control or “fix” your child’s behavior fast.
But in many cases, your child isn’t the cause—they’re the catalyst. The real cause lies in our internal story:
“They’re disrespecting me”
“I’m failing as a parent”
“They’re going to grow up entitled”
“This is how I was parented.”
“I’m constantly running around and doing for them.”
These stories are shaped by your own childhood, cultural norms, and unmet emotional needs.
A Conscious Parenting Shift: From Reaction to Reflection
In traditional parenting, we often focus on controlling the child. But conscious parenting invites us to shift the focus inward: We look within. What am I doing that is contributing to this challenging moment or to these behaviors?
What’s being activated in me right now?
Instead of reacting from a place of fear or ego, conscious parenting helps us respond with awareness, compassion, and choice.
“Our children are not ours to control, but to connect with.”
This doesn’t mean we allow chaos or disrespect. It means we respond with clarity instead of reactivity.
🧠 How to Explore Your Parenting Triggers
Here are a few steps to help you recognize and work through your triggers:
1. Notice the Sensation
Start by identifying when you feel dysregulated—your body knows before your mind does. Clenched jaw. Tight muscles. Increased heart rate. Racing thoughts. Rising in your voice. Heat in your chest. Can’t make decisions in the moment. These are signs a trigger is active.
2. Pause Before You Act
You don’t have to fix everything in the moment. Take a breath. Step away. Say, “I need a moment to think before we talk about this.” That’s modeling emotional regulation.
3. Get Curious, Not Furious
Ask:
What am I believing right now?
Is this about my child—or is it really about me?
Did this behavior remind me of something from my own past?
Journaling can help process in the moment or after the fact.
4. Heal the Root, Not Just the Moment
If you notice patterns—certain behaviors that always get to you—it’s worth exploring these with a coach or therapist.
Parenting isn’t about being perfect. It’s about becoming more present.
💡 A Real-Life Example
Let’s say your child talks back when you ask them to clean up. You feel instantly disrespected and angry. What are they doing in that moment when they are not listening?
Pause. Reflect.
Did your parents demand obedience without question or resistance?
Were you allowed to express disagreement growing up?
Are you equating their boundary-pushing with disrespect?
Were they distracted and engaged in an activity?
Now, instead of reacting with “Don’t you talk to me like that!”, you might respond with:
“I see you're frustrated. Let’s talk about this in a way that feels respectful for both of us.”
That’s the power of conscious awareness.
❤️ Final Thought
Understanding your parenting triggers doesn’t make you weak—it makes you wise. It’s a powerful act of love, both for your child and for the inner child in you who still longs to be seen and heard.
Parenting isn’t just about raising children. It’s about raising ourselves—so we can meet our kids with presence, patience, and authenticity.
📌 Ready to Go Deeper?
At Growing Change Parent Coaching, I help parents explore these triggers with compassion, not shame. You’ll gain the tools to shift from reactivity to connection—and create a calmer, more connected family.
